"We think it's cancer" are the words that no one wants to hear. They were definitely the stuff my nightmares used to be made of. We never know how we're going to react to news like that and the way each person copes is as individual as each of us.
Initially I felt shock, actually it all just felt a bit surreal to be honest, almost like an out of body experience. I watched myself leaving the hospital that day with only one, slightly random thought in my head: It's how we react to life's big moments that defines us, stay calm, I told myself. I think this is going to be one of those moments. And as impossible as it sounds I was calm, I didn't cry, I didn't panic (that came later) I just felt slightly numb as my brain worked overtime to try and process what it had just been told.
I then headed home and got straight on google to try and figure out what the hell we were dealing with. Trust me when I tell you that I read absolutely every article and medical journal I could find. The good, the bad and the downright terrifying. I don't really recommend doing this, I'm just being honest about how I dealt with it initially. I would recommend Macmillan, Action Bladder Cancer and NHS only. The rest of the internet is a very dark and disturbing place.
Next came relief, relief that finally those annoying little symptoms I had been back and forth to the doctors with for the last year were finally being acknowledged. At first I was told it was a UTI, then another one...and another one. I was pumped full of every type of antibiotic going, all without any signs of infection ever being found. Then the bleeding started and I was told it was Kidney stones (even though one never actually showed up). Finally we had an answer and as scary as it was we could finally start moving forward with treatment.
This soon lead to anger, anger that all of this was happening whilst I was pregnant, that this tiny little life that had already saved mine might have to suffer the consequences.
I think all of these are pretty predictable emotions but the next one was the one that surprised me the most.
I'm usually very open, wear my heart on my sleeve, terrible with secrets, massive over-sharer type of person! But not this time, this time I wanted to do the opposite. I didn't want to share my news with anyone. I didn't like the idea of burdening those I was closest to but I also couldn't act like everything was okay when it really wasn't. I didn't want to be told that there was probably nothing to worry about and most of all I didn't want to see one more pitying look from someone like I was already dying. In reality no-one could win and I chose to keep my news very quiet.
It felt like a very personal battle that I needed to win and the only way I knew how to do that was to remain strong, do my research and stay positive.
To me this was just something that was happening, a temporary road block, something that needed to be dealt with so that we could get on with our lives again and look forward to our new arrival like normal, excited, expectant parents.
I did however realise very early on that although this would work for me it wasn't necessarily what was best for other people. My husband Tom was in this just as much as I was and I recognised that he had very different ways of coping to me. After some discussion we agreed that it was a good idea for him to share the news with some of his closest friends. They became an incredible support not just for Tom but for both of us.
I finally feel ready to talk about my experience and I want this blog to be able to help anyone going though something similar to what we have been going through, as that is all I wanted when we first found out.
In happier news, we had our very first midwife appointment today (at 15 weeks and 2 days)! We now have an official due date of the 7th November 2018, which is very very exciting!!
Thank you for reading.
Katie xxx
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