Can I talk pregnancy now?!

With everything that has been going on almost from the very start of my pregnancy I haven't really dared to allow myself to acknowledge that it was actually happening. So much so that I've made it to 19 weeks already!



We told our close family and friends a little early at around 8/9 weeks (after we could confirm a strong heartbeat on our second ultrasound scan) not because we thought that everything would be fine but rather because we thought that everything might not be and we wanted to share what little joy we had before it was potentially taken away from us.

We knew that the people we told would be there for us if things were to take a turn for the worse and having that support system in place was a great comfort.

Because of all this I have maybe one bump picture, taken at about 7 weeks (just before the scan that found the bladder cancer) and for a long time I felt like the pregnancy came second to the cancer.

When I went for my first appointment at the maternity unit I sat in the waiting room surrounded by loads of pregnant women feeling like I was in the wrong place. We were there to see a specialist doctor to discuss the effects that cancer could have on the pregnancy. She asked me how it was all going so far and it was the easy option to say that everything was fine. I didn't want to admit that I was refusing to allow myself to get attached to this baby because I was really scared that it might not really happen. Luckily my mum was with me and set her straight, we were whisked straight into an  ultrasound room and she showed us a very lively little baby jumping about on the screen, she took that time to reassure me that this was a very healthy baby and there was no reason that this pregnancy wouldn't go to full term. She explained that surgery in pregnancy is far more common than anyone realises (don't believe everything you read on the internet) and if it ever came to it there were some chemotherapy options that are also safe during pregnancy.

I still held off getting too carried away until after my operation at just over 14 weeks. But as soon as I was in recovery I allowed myself  to start getting excited and the flood gates opened: I want to make the most of everything pregnancy related and yes I became that annoying, oversharing pregnant woman on social media!

Being totally honest (and cancer aside) pregnancy so far isn't everything that I expected it to be, in fact I actually knew very little about the reality of it. I was that naive girl who thought it would be all glow-y skin, healthy meals and posing for glamorous growing bump shots. The reality is a little different, who knew you had to pretty much cut out caffeine!?...The withdrawal was real and even now I miss my Americano's like crazy! I've had to limit myself to one cup of Yorkshire Tea a day and the thought of  it is literally what gets me out of bed every morning!

I knew I'd have to give up alcohol but I didn't predict just how much of our social life actually revolved around drinking. I now worry how long it will take my friends to realise just how boring I actually am and I have found myself googling, "how do I know if I'm an alcoholic?" even though I probably didn't drink that much before the pregnancy! I miss it so much more than I should admit that I've told Tom a bottle of champagne in my hospital bag is all the motivation I need by the time it comes to the birth. This biggest difficulty probably came when I got my cancer diagnosis and I could't have a big, strong drink to help me process the news.

We all have those creature comforts that we turn to when we're not feeling quite ourselves or we're in need of a pick me up. When I was dealing with my diagnosis I found it hard that I couldn't lean on some of those familiar things that make me smile. Silly little things like not being able to fit into my favourite skinny jeans (or in fact any of my clothes), not being able to pop a lovely Lush bath bomb into my bath, a glass of red wine with a pizza on a Friday night or treating myself to a new dress from my favourite shop.

The last big thing for me was the lack of energy! I hate sitting around doing nothing but in those first 12 weeks pretty much the only thing I could do was sit on the sofa watching crap TV, bingeing on beige food and melted cheese! The frustrating thing is that when the morning sickness faded the lack of energy didn't, I don't know if it was all the pregnancy or the fact that my body had to go through some surgery too but I'm still waiting for my energy boost, before it all goes down hill for the final trimester!

I know this sounds a lot like whinging and in reality I was a little dubious about writing this post because I am very aware, no matter how hard pregnancy might be it is nothing compared to the struggle some people go through to even get to this point. I know we are so incredibly lucky to be in this situation, but at the same time there is something so lovely and normal about being able to whinge about pregnancy symptoms so thank you and well done if you made it to the end of my totally self-indulgent rant!

Also I got the results from my op back on Wednesday this week and we now have a better understanding of the treatment plan going forward and what the future looks like (I'll go into all of that in next weeks post, after I've had some time to process).

Katie xxx