Body image, baby and cancer

Feeling a dick for thinking I was fat in this picture 

Believe it or not this is one of the trickiest posts I've written so far but it's been on my mind for a while now and in the interest of this blog being all about openness and honesty I thought I'd give it a go.


I have battled with body image since I was about 13, I've controlled my diet and tried to stay healthy for the best part of 15 years, but I've never been totally happy. Which in hindsight feels pretty stupid, I've spent so much time hiding myself in baggy clothes and worrying about my weight when I should have been enjoying myself!

I couldn't wait to have a bump, for some reason I thought I'd feel really positive about my pregnancy body but in reality pregnancy has piled a load of new pressure onto an old problem. All my life I've believed that weight gain is bad and now my body is laying down layers of fat and there is nothing I can do about it. My clothes are a huge part of my identity and it freaks me out a little that most of them no longer fit, and may never fit again.

My diet has taken a big hit too and I no longer feel in control. In the first few months my morning sickness meant that I couldn't really stomach anything but the most complex of carbs and now my lack of energy means that its hard to kick that habit.

It doesn't help that as soon as you become pregnant you feel like your body becomes public property, people touching my bump without asking is a big one! Proclaiming how 'big' I'm getting or asking how much weight I've gained makes me feel a little like a freak show!

Doing my best to embrace my new second trimester figure 

We're headed off on holiday soon and for the first time in a long time I'm not thinking about being 'beach body ready' mainly because non of my bikinis fit anymore. Turns out even when you're pregnant you don't look like those supermodels showing of their perfect bumps on the beach, who'd have thought?!

On top of all this pretty standard stuff, I was told I had bladder cancer and they love to keep reminding me that "this is really rare in someone your age". This threw me into a whole new head space, it's hard not to feel like your body hasn't just totally let you down or you've just totally let your body down when you hear something like that. It also makes me think, I had my priorities all wrong in the past. I spent years trying crash or fad diets, focusing on the way I looked and how much I weighed, when in reality my focus should have been on my health first.

Now that I'm pregnant I feel restricted in what I can do to get fit and healthy again. I'm too scared to do much more than the daily dog walks at the moment but I'm itching to start a new regime as soon as the baby is born.

The reality that I will probably need surgery for the rest of my life means I have to keep my body in tip-top condition. The older I get the more at risk I become of not being able to handle treatment. Staying physically fit means I'll give my body the best possible chance of being able to handle whatever treatment I may need in the future, as well as hopefully keeping the cancer from coming back in the first place.

If the by-product of this is feeling happier in my body then great, but right now I'm learning to shift my focus. We only get one body and we need to look after it as well as we can for as long as we can.

Thanks for ready,

Katie xxx