And breath...

Somewhere between my diagnosis and Oscar being born it feels like a took a huge, deep breath in...

It’s taken me until the last few weeks, a pretty nasty cold, rather painful cystitis caused by the chemo and my dentist fitting me for a mouth guard for night time teeth grinding/jaw clenching brought on by stress! to help me realise that I’m still waiting to breath back out again.

I’ve got so used to operating in this higtened, Adrenalin and cefein fueld state, completely focused on being a mum and getting the never ending to do list done and just keeping going that I didn’t really realise that I also needed to try and take some time for me.

Sometimes it takes the pressure really building up for us to realise we’re close to boiling point and sometimes it’s a tiny straw that finally breaks the camels back, either way I don’t for a second think that feeling like this is unique to me or my situation. I think we all feel like this sometimes when life gets on top of us. 

In my experience there are no quick fixes and no pills to take. For me it feels like this is a perfectly normal reaction to everything that has been going on for the past year or so. operating like this has been entirely essential to me as a way of coping with some of the situations we’ve been put through. Adrenalin and anxiety have been a tool I’ve often used to help me power through and just keep going! 

What i do know is that now I am aware of it I can take small steps to improve how I feel by taking some time to slow down and focus on myself a little. This weekend we had in the Lake District was the start of that process for me learning how to breath again.