Back down to earth with a bump

And just like that your brought back down to earth with a bang. 

I was literally starting to think we were coming to the end of treatment with just regular check ups on the cards....and I couldn’t have been more wrong. Waking up from surgery I was told there have been recurrences, five to be exact (although now we have the long agonising wait for results to find out exactly what they are) and just like that I got to experience the full force of what living with bladder cancer and the very high recurrence rate that comes with it. 

Instead of going home for baby cuddles and my own bed as planned, I was actually headed up to a ward complete with rather horrible catheter installed...my own private room again tho, coz I’m lucky like that ;)

It took a while for me to process what was going on, mainly because for the first hour post op I was genuinely more concerned with weather Megan Markle had had her baby yet, I guess now we know how I react to general anaesthetic! But left alone in my little hospital room for the night, the full force of what my surgeon had told me started to sink in. 

The hardest part of all was having to say good buy to Oscar for the night and the worrying thoughts that followed about how all of this was going to impact on him over the next few weeks, months and years. I Definitely had a bit of a wobble worrying about being  a good enough mum to him right now.

I was also pretty angry with myself, I realised over the last few months I’d really started to rest on my laurels and fall back into some  annoying old habits. I’d been sweating the small stuff again: beating myself up pretty hard about not loosing the rest of the baby weight quick enough and not getting back into a bikini in time for summer. Worrying I wasn't good enough when it came to future career plans and caring too much what people might think of me. 

If I could take one positive from the last few days, and I definitely will be doing, it's that it's really helped me put things back in perspective. If there's one thing I know it’s that life is too short to listen to criticism and self doubt, especially when it comes from your own mind and the opinions of others aren't really any of our business so its better not to loose any sleep over them. 

I realised I'd  been holding back a lot of blog posts lately, trying to make myself small again because I was  worried I was taking up too much space on the internet when I am so so much luckier than so many people (survival guilt is legit a real thing) 

Yet here I was again, in hospital overnight, waiting to find out exactly what’s going on, feeling scared, in pain and a little bit isolated....all the reasons I initially started this blog came flooding right back to me. So here I am again, blabbing on about the life changing journey that is cancer and being a new mum...slightly less apologetically this time. 

After a lovely weekend in the sunshine with the ones I love the most and a slightly more sober chat with a surgeon I have gained a better perspective and given myself chance to re-charge, ready to keep going and get on with whatever comes next. 

All my plans might just have got a little bit harder but I just became even more determined to achieve every single one! And I got out of hospital just in time to make the most of some lovely bank holiday sunshine, which is more than I can say for a lot of those poor nurses. 

Thanks for reading,

Katie xxx