I'm sure we've all heard in the news about the 1.5 million most vulnerable people set to receive a letter from the government advising them that they are the most at risk from COVID-19 and that they should remain shielded for a minimum of 12 weeks. And I'm sure we've all felt incredibly lucky not to be in that situation.
I myself did not think I would be in that situation, I'd done a very good job of convincing myself that that wouldn't be me. And then the letter hit the doormat like a ball of lead and as I opened it I fell apart. It was a huge mental blow as well as a physical one. It is not a nice feeling to be told that you are one of only 1.5 million people that are more likely to become seriously ill or die from COVID-19 and my heart goes out to every single person out there who received one of these letters.
Let me be clear on exactly what these guidelines are because they are a million miles away from the lock down lifestyle that the rest of the country has been asked to adopt. People shielding from the virus have been asked to not leave their houses at all, not even for their daily dose of state sanctioned exercise. They are obviously not allowed out to the shops. It goes further than that, no soaking up the rays in your garden, in fact not hanging out in your home with the rest of your family, as we have been advised to keep our distance from them also, living mainly on our own in one or two rooms of our house. Alone. For a minimum of 12 weeks. Regular lock down all of a sudden doesn't look so bad does it?
Let's be honest, there was a tiny part of me that loved the idea of taking a three month holiday to the attic, watching all of Netflix, reading a mountain of books, hey maybe even writing one!? Whilst Tom took on full childcare responsibilities! Definitely appealing, but not exactly practical with a full time job and a lively 16 month old.
After a lot of discussion with my consultant and specialist cancer nurse, who have made the decision to postpone my latest round of treatment, we agreed that I am okay to go on my daily exercise and that I do not have to distance myself from those that I live with i.e.Tom and Oscar. I will however be extra cautious and all three of us will make every effort to avoid shops, instead getting everything we need delivered to our doorstep.
As a cancer patient I have become very used to being strong even when I don't feel it. Putting on a brave face, even when I want to hide under the covers, and going through many painful procedures that I would much rather avoid. I have been cancelling holidays, sitting out of social situations and championing our amazing NHS since way before it was fashionable to do so. So I am sitting back and watching in horror as seemingly grown adults whinge about their lack of ability to cope with a situation which is inconvenient at best.
My theory is that those struggling the most are the ones that don't really think this affects them. They still think they have a choice and therefore making it is hard. When you have an underlying health condition you have no choice, acceptance is your only option so you begin to look for ways to make your situation bearable. You start to look for the good in every situation and believe me, that is liberating! My advice is the sooner you accept this for what it is and do what you're told, the happier you'll be, the more you'll learn and bonus, the sooner it will all be over!
I was always aware that there was an unpleasant and underlying feeling in society that those with an underlying health condition were some how lesser, weaker or not as worthy. Hollywood and TV has been doing a stellar job of depicting those of us with cancer as the sickest and most vulnerable members of society for a long time. We're all very familiar with the image of the incredibly frail patient, bound to a hospital bed with no hair. I for one have had my fair share of, "oh but you don't look sick" comments to last me a fucking life time...But this virus has brought all of that to the fore. That narrative is now impossible to ignore and has left me feeling mentally, as well as physically, isolated from the world around me.
I feel like I am living in a society that is quite prepared to hang its most vulnerable out to dry (or just lock them away from everyone else where they can't be seen) so that they may all go on living their lives as normal without the guilt of the sick on their conscience.
Don't think this is you? How many of you have turned a blind eye to the death count because it makes you feel too uncomfortable? How many of you have breathed a sigh of relief when someone else on the news died, but had 'underlying health conditions'? How many of you only started to take this seriously when you heard that someone young or with no underlying health conditions died? How many of you are still not taking this seriously?
I hope that the world will be a better, kinder and more tolerant place when this is all over. But for that to happen people need to drop their subconscious acceptance that we are dispensable and do everything they can to protect not only themselves but EVERYONE in society.
Thank you for reading,
Katie xxx
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