Controlling what you can...

For the last five years I have been slowly but surely making myself comfortable with the idea of a urostomy. I like to think of it as controlling what you can when things are out of control...others might call it obsessive...the words control freak have definatly been thrown around. But I know that life is full of things you can't control and it is pointless to try, the only thing that you can always control is how you react to the things that are happening to you. I wanted this to make me, not break me. 

It has really helped me to accept that this might be my future, and at this point it has infiltrated most parts of my life in some way. It is always in the back of my mind when buying new clothes...whether that's because it could one day accomodate a stoma or the complete opposite, because it might be my last chance to get away with a cropped top!  

I have taken it into account when doing exercise, finding things that will strengthen my core and increase my cardiac health to be in the best possible shape for a long surgery and quicker recovery...hello HIIT 4 times a week (who even am I anymore!?). But it's also about finding exercises that I will be able to continue with after a massive surgery both to help me recover and then beyond with a bag. Discovering my absolute love for Pilates and also obsessivly reaserching how to ski, climb, swim, surf with a stoma...not that some of these are on the cards, but because I never want anything to be off the table!

It's been about making sure our diet is as good as it can be, finding out that gut health after surgery that will mess with bits of your bowel is even more important than ever. It's about cooking and eating real food from scratch, writing lists and having competitions about who can eat the biggest variety of plants in one week and it's about drinking your own bodyweight in matcha and kombucha...bonus! 

All in all to this point it has had a hugley positive impact on my life, my health and my families health over the past few years and I can honestly say that I am in one of the healthiest places both mentally and physically that I have ever been.....aside from the cancer obvs! 

And it has all been in preparation for the day that deep down I always knew was coming, the day that all other treatemnt options had failed and we would be talking about bladder removal. I wanted to be ready so that instead of letting it crush me I would be able to have those tough conversations, to advocate for the surgery the way I wanted it and and it worked. I was able to start the conversation that my doctor was so clearly uncomfortable to have. I was able to advocate for what I wanted instead of going numb, instead of breaking down in tears I was able to show up for myself that day. 

I tried to take people with me on this journey, to make them see what I could see, the practical solutions and even the positives...hello being able to enjoy long walks againe, and  nature wees, without obsessivly looking out for the nearest loo all the time! 

But it turns out no matter how much you think you have prepared, it is still often not enough. Having to tell friends and family is always the hardest bit. There is always that moment when you are in the 'after' and everyone else is still in the 'before' it is now your job to bring them into the after with you and it is always toughest. To give some context, the day I found out my cancer had returned and it would soon be bladder eviction time my mum legit crashed her car five minutes after our phone call! Don't worry, no-one was hurt and no damage was done!

The next few days and weeks was rough, people cried, I cried and all of a sudden I started to worry that I had some how lulled myself into a false sense of security that I was being too nieve and the future did indeed look as terrible as the looks on peoples faces when I told them. This is incredibly scary when you know it's still your only real option and I did not like that feeling at all. 

What followed was a few weeks of doing what I do best, all be it in a slightly shell shocked state at first. I went back through all the documents, I re-read every article I could find and every mediacal journal online. I re-read threads from my bladder cancer support group and generally became super obsessive again. I then relayed all of that information to my family and to myself over and over again until I came to the conclusion that I had known all along... this will be hard, but we can do hard things and I am still so incredibly lucky to have this choice and one day soon in six months or even a year life will look a little different but life will look GOOD! 

It is a tricky situation to be in when you need to be held but first you need to hold other people, to teach them how you need them to show up for you so that they can then do that. I try to remind myself that this is something that will affect us all and we are all going through in our own unique ways, I think we just have to learn how to hold each other and there is something quite special about that. 

Thanks for reading, 

Katie :)