One month to go till baby...

The last few months have been a whirlwind of doctors appointments, meetings with my midwife, extra scans, an operation and all sorts of tests. I'm hoping that giving birth will be one of the happiest things to happen this year ans as such I'm not too frightened about it. It'l be a nice novelty to have the pregnancy being centre of attention and not being treated like an inconvenience making all other procedures more difficult for a change.

 I haven't really bothered with a birth plan, I know enough to know that these things rarely go to plan and as long as he is okay I don't really care how it happens. I'm not trying to be a hero, I definitely want the drugs as soon as possible, preferably an epidural if it’s possible. I feel like I know what to expect from this having had a spinal at the start of the year, the idea of a large needle into my back doesn't really phase me anymore.

If I'm being honest I am more excited about the birth than anything because it means we finally get to meet our little man (and I no longer have to be pregnant).

What really scares me is all the stuff that comes afterwards. I've heard so many horror stories about the first two weeks at home that I'm starting to get really nervous. The sleepless nights, the constant paranoia, the breast feeding struggles and the feeling of being isolated and restricted. I know that we will have loads of support but getting the right balance of help and learning to stand on our own two feet also daunts me.

That's all before I have to factor in the reality of the next phase of my treatment. I know I'll be having another cystoscopy and biopsies taken a couple of weeks after delivery, then no matter what the results I'm scheduled for another TURBT surgery shorty after. This will then be followed by a 6 week course of chemotherapy directly into my bladder all hopefully before Christmas.

I can't explain the overwhelming feeling of relief I feel at the idea that very soon our little guy will be here, safe, sound and free from having to deal with any more of this. I'm also really happy that there is such a good plan in place and that sooner rather than later I will be receiving the correct treatment for this cancer and fingers crossed it kicks it into touch for a long long time!

I feel ridiculously lucky that the chemotherapy I receive will be delivered straight into my bladder and won't cross into my bloodstream, meaning I will be saved many of the horrible and debilitating side effects associated with normal chemo. But I have still been warned to expect some unpleasant symptoms.

The idea of dealing with all of this whilst trying to bond and enjoy those first few precious weeks and months with my new born makes me very apprehensive and I'll admit quite angry. I feel like I'm being robbed of this precious, once in a lifetime experience and I'll never get those early days back.

A lot of my time at the moment is spent trying to organise how I can make those first few months as easy for the three us as possible, but in reality its hard when you never really know what to expect.

Any advice on getting through those first few weeks is definitely appreciated!

Thanks for reading,

Katie xxx