Results Day Nerves

It's hard to say what goes through your head before results day.It definitely plays on your mind in the days and weeks running up to it. You definitely get a bit nervous but I'm never really sure why.



I used to be very open with when results day was because it felt like the kind of thing you should share, as a way of keeping everyone 'in the loop' as it were. Possibly because I probably used to assume it would always be good news or news I would be totally happy to talk about right away.

But a little while ago that changed and I realised that sometimes the news might take a little bit longer to process. If I'm being completely honest, waiting for results makes me feel really vulnerable and that is something that scares me even more than the results themselves. Keeping things to myself in the short term allows me time to deal with those emotions properly before being ready to share. I guess its also one more tiny way I can take back some control over a situation that makes me feel completely powerless.

At the end of the day results day doesn't actually change anything. Whatever you're going to be told (positive or negative) has already actually happened/happening in your body, it's just you're only finding out about it now. I've always been of the mindset that knowledge is power.

If anything I count down the days to results day because one way or another it's a positive. Either everything's fine which means you can stop speculating and celebrate or everything's not, in which case you can come up with a plan to fix what needs fixing. I went for a long time not knowing what was going wrong with my body and not getting any answers at all, all whilst my symptoms got progressively worse! So any treatment, any plan as long as there is a plan, as long as we know what's going on and we can take the right actions to deal with it feels like a huge positive to me.

My last set of results were on Tuesday last week and although I was hoping I would receive an all clear, deep down I knew that just wasn't going to happen.

It seems my cancer cells aren't going anywhere just yet, which also means my recent course of chemo was unsuccessful which really does suck! I always knew that at some point down the line me might have to begin having conversations about bladder removal, I guess I just didn't think they'd start when I was still 28 and I'l admit right now that knocked me sideways for a bit.

I went home, I talked a lot, I cried a bit and I drank a lot of wine and then I went online and I re-read everything I could and have ever read about bladder cancer and I pulled myself together. I realised that there are still so so many treatment options available to me and I have now been referred to a specialist bladder cancer centre so I will be able to explore them all fully. So in reality I'm feeling very very lucky, but also ready for a bit of a holiday!

Thanks for reading :)

Katie xxx