It's fair to say I've had a lot of down time over the last year and a bit. Yes a big chunk of that has been maternity leave and Oscar has kept me pretty busy for the last 8 months too, but another big chunk is down to my diagnosis and my pregnancy coinciding to create on hell of a shit storm. For me at that time. trying to hold down a 9 to 5 as well was out of the question, but to say that not working was the easy way out is a lot of bullshit too.
Not working has been HARD. For a start there is no distraction from what you're going through. But it was more than that. For me it was the start of a huge mental battle. I find it incredibly hard not having any focus and I constantly feel the need to be doing things and working towards a goal. When I have no direction I feel like a massive failure. With no occupation I began to loose my sense of identity and self worth and slowly my self confidence began to crumble.
Throw into the mix being a new mum. I definitely don't think I'm on my own in finding maternity leave a bit of a challenge. It can be lonely at times and its hard to keep those new mum anxieties at bay.
In my quest to stay busy I found my way back into the kitchen and oh my god it is LOVE! Being on my feet all day, the creativity, problem solving, quality control and tight deadlines are what I live for and its reminded me there's no place I'd rather be.
Making cakes started as a way to keep myself sane and I thought that there was no way I could ever really make a go of it as a business. The constant hospital appointments, check-ups and treatments I will have to have for the rest of my life felt like such a huge barrier to being able to get my life back off the ground, let alone be able to bake and meet customer demands.
But slowly (and as all the best things do) it kind of just took off on its own. The requests for cakes just kept on coming and my confidence, ability and enjoyment only grew. People that saw my cakes began to tell me I should be doing this for a living and others assumed I already was. Eventually I ran out of reasons to tell them why I couldn't.
I still suffer from debilitation self doubt on an almost daily, if not hourly basis, but I have watched a hell of lot of Brene Brown talks on YouTube at this point and I remind myself that to be brave you have to first be vulnerable, I have to put myself out there in order to achieve my goals. I also remind myself of her words, "If you are not in the arena being brave and getting your ass kicked then I am not interested in your feedback about how I am doing".
The fact that this blog post has been written for a month and my website, Facebook page and Instagram have been ready for well over 3 without me daring to shout about them says it all. The fact that I have still had orders coming in without any of this in place is probably the main reason I have the confidence to do this at all.
So as scary as it is to take on something like this at this point in my life, I also know that it would be far far worse not to do it, because I need to be more than the new mum who got diagnosed with bladder cancer at 28.
I am reminded constantly by my husband that this is my chance, the timing is right and I have his full and unwavering support, there's no way he is letting me run away from this again!
So here we go! Feel free to look at my new little venture: https://www.pinkdoorcakes.com/
Thanks for reading :)
Katie xxx
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