Back to school nerves

Image from Pinterest 

It's been back to school nerves for loads of kids over the last couple of weeks and for the first time in a long time I can relate.


Sat in the waiting room yesterday prepping for my first cystosocpy in what felt like forever. (The last time I had any treatment was Easter.) I was so annoyed at myself for feeling the way I did. I've had these procedures plenty of times over the last two years now, I feel like I know the drill and I should be able to cope. But my brain forgot to give my body the memo and as soon as we set off the hospital again I could feel the adrenaline starting to pump through my system.

I was prepared for bad news, it's been quiet a while since I've had any treatment and realistically I knew it was more than likely it was back, but that didn't stop me feeling gutted when the surgeon confirmed that it was. There were are, two tiny tumours in my bladder in the same place they have always been. He said I could have a look at the screen if I wanted to see them. I'm not usually a squeamish person, but I just couldn't do it. I was afraid that if I looked, that image would be burned into my mind forever and I'd never be able to unsee it.

I guess I've learned that no matter how rational it is and no matter what I want to feel, sometimes I can't control my emotions. It doesn't matter what your going through (we're all going through something) there are going to be down days. If you're battling illness there are going to be things about that, that you just can't control.

I try to focus on the the things I can control. Like how to pick myself up after a bad day. For me it helps if I normalise my situation, that's why I'll sometimes put up Instagram stories or posts etc like it's just a part of my everyday, because it is! I make plans for before and after treatment because I don't ever want to have to put my life on hold if I don't absolutely have to. Bladder cancer is a part of my life now and that is proving to be just as much if not more of a mental struggle than it is a physical one.

I do my best to embrace the down days, I curl up on the sofa, I eat chocolate, I feel sorry for myself. But the next day I get up and I make sure that as soon as Oscar is down for a nap I'm running on my treadmill. I make the house look nice, I spend time with Ozzy and I work on my business, because these are the things that bring me joy, these are the things that I can control and so they deserve most of my energy.

Thanks for reading,

Katie xxx