New Year 2020

I started this year staring down the barrel of my first round of treatment. I wasn't scared, in fact I was so ready to finally get started with what I hoped would be the beginning of the end, or at least a temporary let up in what had already been over a year of treatment. I let my imagination run away with all the things we would do when we finally got an all clear, all the places we'd go to celebrate, all the champagne we'd drink....



I never drank the champagne and I'm still waiting for that first illusive all clear. Instead I had a few more surgeries and a little bit more bad news than I'd have liked (hello 10 new tiny recurrences) but we carry on, not because we are brave but because what the hell else are we going to do!?

Finishing the year with another round of treatment it's hard not to hope that this one might be the one that finally works, but there is more hesitation, less romantic notions and no celebration planning of any kind. Because no matter what the movies may show, cancer isn't glamorous, it's real life. It's boring, slow and full of uncertainty. It's also forever, regardless of your results.

When I entered this year I purposefully didn't make any New Years Resolutions, and I'm not here to change that now...I'm not going to pronounce that everything in the future looks rosy, or that I feel stronger for all of my bad days, because that would be a lie. Some of my bad bays were just bad, featuring far too much chocolate and lots of ugly crying. I've hated myself, I've hated everyone around me, I've been very angry with life and I've wallowed in self-pity, but there have also been amazing days, filled with the most special moments.

I was right about a few of my 2019 predictions. Those beautiful, very wobbly first steps that became a confident little stomp almost overnight, and now the sound of tiny bare feet on the wooden floor is my favourite sound. The confusing first words that leave you totally clueless about what to write in the baby book (there, their or this!?) and the panic when we realised its very likely the next one's will be 'hey, Google'. One very lovely first holiday in the sun, a special first birthday party and at least a million cuddles, kisses and proper baby belly laughs.

There have even been a few surprises that I never planned on. I am now the owner of my own little cake company Pink Door Cakes and my days are increasingly filled with something that has given me back my sanity, allows me to express my craving for creativity and is something I truly love doing.

Life isn't perfect (no matter what filter you're using on your Instagram posts), life is messy and it can be pretty crap sometimes , but it's also filled with those tiny little magic moments that we grab onto and hold as tightly as we can because they are what makes life truly lovely.

Still feeling incredibly grateful, lucky and ever optimistic for 2020!

Thanks for reading :)

Katie xxx