A mental break...

 Hello long neglected blog. I realise it has been over three months since my last post but a lot has happened in that time and I needed to take a break both mental and physically as sharing my journey suddenly felt really hard to do.

 I could call it a crisis of confidence but in reality I know its a bit more than that. Lock-down life, countless hospital trips for treatment, a full on 18 month old and a stressful house move finally took their toll on me mentally and I realised I needed a little bit of a break from oversharing my life whilst I sought out some help. I'm currently receiving counselling which I won't go into details about right now as its still early days, but what I will say is it's one of the best decisions I've made and instantly made me feel slightly better because I was taking control of a situation that i know hasn't been 100% right for a couple of years now. 

Ironically and also very luckily during the time I've been away I had some more surgery, this time at a local private hospital (thanks Covid for the upgrade) and for the first time in this whole Bladder Cancer journey I got some pretty good news! The surgeon, who was expecting to find the usual multiple recurrences, was in fact only able to fine a tiny tiny tumour, so small that he had to change all the equipment that was set out ready to go, to accommodate such a tiny biopsy. (the perks of being awake during the whole op) 

He declared that it looked like the BCG had finally decided to start working and the whole operating theatre had a mini celebration, it was the best feeling in the world and given that it was only 3 days before my 30 birthday it felt like the best present possible. 

Its the first time it has ever felt even remotely appropriate to celebrate any news regarding my bladder but even at the time I did so with a huge pinch of salt. I think the lasting effect of a cancer diagnosis is that you will never fully trust 'good news' or things getting better ever again. Every little twinge puts doubt in my mind, the way I think about my body and my health has permanently changed and I know that I'm only ever one appointment away from everything completely changing all over again. 

For now were making the most of the calm after the Covid storm and enjoying having a treatment plan back in place. I get a break now until October when I will have another 3 BCG treatments and then my surgeon has booked in another surgery for January, so that, in his words: ''you can enjoy Christmas in peace''

Thanks for reading :) 

Katie xxx