DISCLAIMER: this blog post is about mental health, a little bit of a detour from Bladder Cancer in some respects although not really as one of the biggest mental struggles I face on a daily basis is with learning to live with and accept my cancer diagnosis and all that that entails. It's not about giving advice or proclaiming I know best because I really don't have a clue. It's simply about sharing my story because I think there is a lot of good that can come from open and honest discussion about mental and not just physical health.
So it turns out there's nothing quite like a global pandemic and the ensuing national lockdown to bring you face to face with all your fears...
Lockdown actually started out alright, fuelled by adrenalin I'd already ordered half of Amazon's supply of 'Activities for Kids', Tom was at home more which was lovely and the sun was shining!
Naturally some time mid-April the bubble burst! Partly I blame 'Daily briefing wine time' and my insistence on watching the news constantly in a misguided attempt at maintaining some sense of control. But all joking aside I knew the exact moment when shit really hit the fan. It was the week we found out my grandma had died in her nursing home due to suspected Covid-19. This was the same week I received my letter telling me it was time for another TURBT surgery and a couple of weeks after I'd received my letter from the government telling me I was classed as one of the 1 million most vulnerable in society and needed to completely shield until at least July.
The month or so that followed was a bit of a blur. I was leaving the house only for hospital appointments, first for surgery which took place on 23rd April and then for my next three BCG treatments, as well as all the little appointments in-between that come along with that. Then there was my Grandma's funeral, which consisted of just 6 of us stood outside the crematorium along with a long line of other families also having to say good bye to their loved ones in this 'socially distanced' way.
My emotions went from fear, to anger, to guilt then back again on an almost continuous loop. Terrified to be going into hospital during a pandemic, so guilty for not feeling more grateful that I was one of the lucky ones who's cancer treatment could still go ahead and angry, so angry with the government and with other people. Other people whose biggest worry was when the pubs might re-open so they could go and get pissed with their friends. This anger started to bubble over and turned to anger at everyone, everyone who had never been diagnosed with cancer and everyone who had the luxury of not feeling like their life wasn't some how directly linked to the NHS not becoming overwhelmed. I have never felt more vulnerable or more powerless (until possibly the moment I press publish on this blog post and admit to having had all these feelings in the first place).
And there it was...the realisation that I've been surpressing a lot of anger for a long time about my diagnosis. The anger merged with my anxiety and started to keep me awake at night, filling my head with intrusive thoughts about horrible things happening to those I love most and being powerless to do anything about it. I knew something needed to be done. I didn't really know where to start so I just googled counselling NHS. What I didn't know was that you can self-refer yourself for counselling via the NHS online. I submitted my form but didn't know if anything would come of it, I assumed the waiting list would be massive or that I wouldn't qualify for the help, but after one really easy phone call I was put on a waiting list straight away and within 6 weeks I'd set up regular phone appointments with a lovely counsellor.
We had 6 sessions over a 12 week period and I can honestly say I am feeling a lot lot better. The type of counselling I had is absolutely not a magic wand that will make all your problems go away. It requires work every single day to keep it in check, but it has given me some really practical tips and techniques that I can use in my every day life. Not least of which was stopping watching so much news!
Looking back at the first lockdown it's easy to say I was in a dark place, but the reality is I was already in that dark place. Lockdown just applied enough pressure that eventually something broke and I could no longer ignore it. I know I'm not alone in this, lockdown made everything harder for everyone and it's done a number on our collective mental health. I hope that by sharing my story it helps people feel a little bit less alone.
I hope that everyone reading this is doing okay and continues to cope with Lockdown 2.0 and I hope that if anyone who needed to know and wasn't aware: You can self refer yourself for counselling through the NHS online at any time.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/free-therapy-or-counselling/
Thanks for reading :)
Katie xxx
Katie, thank you for sharing x
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