Scanxiety but make it bigger!

I havn't posted in quite a while, even tho I have had a post all written up and ready to go for the past three months! The reason for my raidio silence for once wasn't all bad. In fact it was very very  good! 

At my last cystoscopy back at the start of February I received my first ALL CLEAR ever and oh my god it was amazing! In fact its pretty hard to describe just how amazing that feeling is. I once described cancer as having a back stage pass to disney land. You get to see the rubbish behind the scenes whilst watching everyone else having the time of their lives. Well if that is cancer, then an all clear result is like being allowed back into the park with everyone else, only this time your a VIP with a spceial knowledge of all the secret goings on. 

It feels as close to magic as you can possibly imagine. I was walking on air, I felt bloody invincible! The feeling of relief and happines is like nothing i've ever felt and the complete sense of inner calm and peace stays with you for a long time and its lovely :)

Sometimes you don't relaise just how much stress and anxiety has become a normal part of your life until sudenly it is gone. 

After so long (close to three years) of constant recurrances, regular surgeries and lots of treatment that becomes your new normal, your operating at high allert, under stress and anxiety on an almost daily basis that you forget there is any other way to feel. Id got so used to havign cancer that that was starting to become a part of who I was, taking me further away from a normal life. I was getting sick of the sympathetic looks, I was growing tired of going above and beyond to prove that I was just as capable as everyone else and  I'd lost friends who just didn't know what to say to me anymore and I was starting to feel increasingly 'different!' and that was hard! 

When I got my all clear it felt like I could breath again and for close to three months cancer has not been the first thing on my mind when I wake up, I have not been checking for hospital appointments every time the post is delivered and I have not had to schedule life and work arround treatment and surgeries. But just as I was starting to take my new life for granted my next appointment arrived.  Don't get me wrong, the relife is big. To know that I am being looked after and monitored closley durign such a horrible time is incredibly comforting and there is a big part of me that can't wait for my appontment to roll around, because as always waiting is the worst bit...but what no one told me is that the scanxiety that comes after an all clear is supercharged. 

For the first time in a long time it feels like I've got somethign very very big to loose. Before I din't know any better, recurrances were just dealt with as part of life, now I know how good the alternative is and I don't ever want to let it go! 

In reality I know that whatever happens we will deal with it like we always have and in the mean time I'm doing my best to put it to the back of my mind, reminding myself that knowledge is power.I'd much rather know what was going on in my bladder and dealing with it that living in dangerous ignorance again. 

So I promis that this time I will write another blog post after my results, regardelss of what they look like and I will make sure that I post it this time. 

Thanks for reading, 

Kind Regards, 

Katie