One Last time with the BCG

So yes we are back on the BCG train after a year and a half of no reccurances.

It all started in January when my rountine three month cystoscopy showed a small recurrance. That then kept reccuring despite another cystoscopy and two more surgeries. To say it was a bit of a blow is an understatment. Getting bad news again after so much good news felt like hearing you have cancer all over again for the first time. Its so much worse when you know how it feels on the other side, the all clear side. 

It took me quite a while to re-group. I felt better after a week but looking back now it was definatly more like a few montsh before I was fully myself again....I think, although I'm not really sure I know quite what feelign like myself feels like since my bladder cancer diagnosis. since becomign a mum, since having to navigate both of those identity shitshows simulatinously over the past four years! 

My mind was pretty much made up when I found out about the reccuranc. I want my bladder and the cancer gone for good. I want a life that isn't littered with hospital appointments, worrying about when to plan holidays or days out around surgeries or more treatment. I want nights where I dont wake up full of absolute fear that the cancer could have spread, that there is a chance that this could actually kill me. And I want a life free of all the tiny micro-traumas that come with each medical procedure: the pain, the bruising the indicency, the constant counting the days, or just pumping your body full of hormones when your due on your period because non of the doctors or nurses you meet have considered this an issue  beacause they arn't used to treating somone your age with this cancer! 

But its because of my age and the fact that before COVID put a stop to everything the 12 rounde of BCG i'd already had  gave me a year and a half of all clears. That is why my consulatnt wants me to give it one more go! 

Unfortunatly it does mean we are starting from scratch which means the full six week course again from the top and another surgery booked in for August. If all goes well and I do indeed get an all clear then we will go ahead and keep going with tbe BCG for another two years......Can you tell im feeling less than enthusiastic. I bloody loved this treatment first time round,  It felt like hope, a wonder drug,The gold standard! I was so posative it would work that I handled all the side effects it through at me with a smile on my face (well alomost!) but this time its different, its harder, its also much more painful because the effect of BCG build the more you have as your body remember and gears up to turn your immune system into a cancer killing machine. 

But all this self loathing does come with a heafty portion of survivour guilt. I still feel incredibly lucky, or guilty that I am able to have this treatment, that I have options if/when the BCG fails again. That despite the years of misdiagnoses and delayed treatment that my cancer was still discovered when it was contained within the bladder, that so far it has stayed there despite the near constant reccurances and the side effects from treatment although a bit crappy at the time are nothing that I cant deal with and so far don't leave me with too many long term side effects. This is what I remind myself in my darkest moments, this is what keeps me going. I am one of the lucky ones and I will never forget that. 

Thanks for reading, its feels good to be back! 

Katie :)