Here we go again...

 

Back again! I know its been a while but to be honest I have been enjoying six months or so of not having to think about cancer and treatment. But it is time! The past week has been filled with cancer admin: I have arranged appointments, blood tests and rearranged other appointments to tie in with the fist lot of appointments...honestly its bloody exhausting and not helped by the fact that the anxiety always starts to crank back up again too! On Monday I'll be starting on my next 3 maintenance BCG treatments, which I think makes it 21, 22 and 23 but I just had to do a deep dive on my instagram to figure that out and even now I'm not sure if thats quite accurate, but hey, whos even counting any more!

It gets really hard mentally sometimes to keep talking about cancer and in the most recent 6 month break from treatment I have allowed myself some time not talking about it. In these longer breaks sometimes I start to feel like a bit of a fraud, I don't like the idea that I'm whining on about having cancer when the day to day impact of it at that time is pretty minimal. I start to second guess myself and my decision to share my experiences, but then everything starts to gear back up again and with it comes the reality that I am living with cancer and all the bullshit that brings with it. 

So this is me telling myself (any anyone out there who may think it) to shut the fuck up, cancer is a BIG deal and if you don't want to hear what I have to say then leave, this space isnt for you.....for everyone else who's stuck around, thanks :) It really does help me to write things down and I know it has helped a few others as well because of the amazing messages I have received over the years :).

The other day I watched the Bowel Babe documentry on the BBC which was as equally heartbreaking as it was inspiring. It reminded me of a lot of things I had let myself forget recently, things that I needed to be reminded of. 

A lot of things really resonated with me and I can absolutely relate to some of the points that were made, particularly the idea that my cancer diagnosis was kind of empowering. It reminded me of all the most important things in life, the ones that were really worth stressing over and fighting for, the ones I love the most, the things that really matter and for someone who has always struggled a little bit with low self esteem the biggest lesson I learnt was that that included me. This was my realisation that I had to start fighting for myself, to start showing up for myself! And to start taking up space because life is not a dress rehersal. 

I obviously wish that I did't have to get cancer to have these realisations but I also can't imagine a world where I had never learned them. 

There are things that come with a cancer diagnosis that are impossible to teach. It's the club that nobody wants to join but those that have share a secret bond. There is no cancer top trumps, there is no better or worse cancer to have, it doesn't matter if you have cancer currently or have recovered....and yes every member of that club probably doesn't really care if you get a cold! But it never leaves you and for that reason I'll be continuing to take up space, to keep talking about cancer, especially bladder cancer. So please remeber to check your wee! :) 

Thanks for reading, 

Katie :)