My most recent results: All Clear

I know its a little later than planned but as promised a blog post on my most recent results. This was actually written on my phone the night after I got my results and after about 3 glasses of champange so I can assure you that this was still very much written in the moment! 

My previous mention of champagne is probably a good indication of how my most recent cystoscopy went and the delay in posting this is purly due to the fact that when you no longer have to think about cancer every day, it is so so so nice not to have to and I have been enjoying a nice cancer free few weeks! 

My bigest fear around celebrating my results was the very real fact that it might not last (bladder cancer has one of the highest reccurance rates of any cancer!) but then I realsied, its't that even more reason to celebrate? I dont think that if and when my cancer does come back il be sat there thinking 'shit I wish I hadn't celebrated' I hope i'l actually just be so happy that I took full advanatge of those amazing moments because after all isn' that what life is really about...stringing togther the little moments of pure joy that happen out of knowehere in the middle of the generall grittiness of everyday life, arn't those moments the reason we all get up in the morning!? 

For now I'm still very much getting used to my 'all clear' and It still feels very fragile but today I am celebrating science, I am celebrating the NHS and very specifically I am celebrating BCG treatment because it has given me this time, and by time I mean a much needed rest from utter relentlessness of the last three years. Constantly planning life around appointments and surgeries, the little coping mechanisms that keep me from totally loosing it and the little rituals that help build me up into the  right headspace for treatment and recuurances. It has now been almost 9 months with no surgeries, no groggy drug enduced recoveries and (with the exception of my covid jabs) a break from all the bloody canulas and needles! 

Life feels so much better now because I know what the alternative could be. Sometimes I catch myself still worrying about the little things: What other people think of me: am I too loud, too quiet, too much!? Will my business work, am I good enough or am I just waisting my time!? And then I remember that I don't need to give a shit anymore because I remember that my body (with the help of the previously mentioned amazing science!) is beating cancer, that my body did that whilst keeping my little boy safe and that despite all of the crap we went through over the past 3 years, and I won't lie some of those days got really fucking dark...Oscar started playgroup last week and he walked into that place with out even looking back, had the best time and came out all smiles at the end (much unlike his mother who is still incredibly emotional about the whole thing) and if we have managed to bring up that happy, smiley, very chatty little boy in the midst of all of that, then thats all that will ever matter!

There is one thing I feel like I need to touch on before I end this slightly disjointed post and that is something that I have been living with for almost as long as my diagnosis and that is survivours guilt. It never goes away. I have talked to a lot of people since my diagnosis and heared enough stories to know that I am one of the lucky ones. Some poeple in a similar situation will find hope in the success stories, but there are also people who will find those stories incredibly painful and triggering. I know, I have been both of those people! So I just want to say to anyone who is strugaling with cancer, who is still wating for that elusive all clear or someone who has lost someone that I hope your finding ways to be okay and I  am truly truly sorry that this is happening to you. 

Thanks for reading, 

Katie xxx